He Holds My Hand and My Heart - June 1, 2022

“Have no fear what tomorrow may bring. The same loving God who cares for you today will take care of you tomorrow and every day. God will either shield you from suffering or give you unfailing strength to bear it. Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings.” -Francis de Sales

This sage advice is on a prayer card tacked on my bulletin board. On the bottom, in my mother’s handwritten script, it says, “Love, Mom.” She gave it to me many years ago before she passed away and once I put it up, I never took it down.

Now ask me, “How many times a day have you read it?” Even though it is at eye level, directly over my desk, which I sit at for many hours a day, it seems I haven’t truly seen it for a while. If I had been reading it daily, I would not be in such a state of unrest, questioning if I can handle all the physical ailments that come my way. It’s not me who needs to handle it, it’s God. If I can stop questioning for a solid minute, I can honestly say He has done just that, handled it.

As I look back over the 20 years of coping with chronic pain*, I recall the many appointments to doctors (150), for treatments (300), medications (75), pain clinics (35) and a few surgeries. Who, exactly did I think was handling all this? Sure, I could, and do fool myself many times when I claim that me, myself, and I have endured, persevered, suffered and taken care of things. But I know deep down, no one could handle all of that without God. No one.

He has been holding my hand and my heart the entire time. Through each urgent care visit, each reaction to a medication, each injection and every teardrop that has escaped my eyes. I often have a misguided interpretation of what I am capable of. Although I like to think my sheer force of will has gotten me through, it is a lie. God is the only one who can get anyone through the tragedies that befall us in life. Him alone, the Divine Physician.

“When you feel overwhelmed and you are tempted to take everything into your own hands, you have to make yourself be still. The battle is not yours, it’s the Lord’s” -anonymous

Surrendering to the God of unfailing love is where I want to be. However, the struggle is real. In our secret place, we sometimes feel we have lost all hope. God knows this too. He wants to bring us through the struggle to healing. It has taken all my strength to turn my life over to someone other than me. In the desperate days, it’s easier to fall on my knees, throw up my hands and let God take over. Other days, my stubbornness takes it right back. It’s a daily exercise of faith. A path, that those who follow Christ, walk every day. In my better moments, I realize that I am fighting a battle that He has already won. So why do I do it? My only excuse is my humanity.

Today, I embrace that humanity. I know I am not expected to fight these battles on my own. I know the One who is. It’s amazing how free that makes me feel.

*For background on my health condition, (Central Sensitization Syndrome) see previous post on November 12, 2021, titled, "Three Years Ago Today." In addition to CSS, my diagnoses include Fibromyalgia, Hashimotos Thyroiditis, Severe spinal disk degeneration, bilateral hip replacement complications, small fiber neuropathy, Morton's Neuroma, Burning Mouth and Osteoporosis.