Marching On – March 1, 2024

This is a good title for the first day of March…although I feel more like I am “dragging on” than “marching on.”  I am reminded of one of the sayings I learned while at the Pain Rehab Center at the Mayo Clinic, “March when you don’t feel like it.”  And I sure don’t feel like it.

In my last post I talked about having fun.  So, despite my pain, we ventured out on two day trips.  I marched on. The first day as we drove south to Ponce Inlet, to see the lighthouse, I lay back in the passenger seat with my head in my hands, lidocaine patches on my back and prayed I would make it.  Two days later, we headed to Amelia Island and my body continued the onslaught of symptoms.  They are still here.  You may be wondering why I would attempt such outings.  Well, I (and many others) must often make a choice.  Stay home all the time or try to have a life.  When we choose life, we often get more pain.  It’s called, “Risk verses reward.”  I’ve got the pain, but I’ve also got the memories.  I climbed the lighthouse (yes, I did!), I toured all the buildings, and I fed a manta ray (me in the blue top!)

Did I pay for it? You bet I did! Because chronic pain is second nature to me, I don’t run to the doctor before first, giving it time, and then trying to figure out what might be happening.  Chronic pain sufferers like me must determine if this is our body overreacting or if there is truly something wrong that needs attention.  It is not an easy task.  And sometimes, it is very scary.

I recall one weekend my son gave us a trip to Portland, Maine.  My body did not like that bed or whatever else it chose not to like.  I felt as if I were laying on a concrete slab, not a bed. The pain was so profound, I would have gone to the emergency room if I had not learned at the Mayo that my nervous system can make me feel like I might be dying. 

So now, I am faced with that dilemma again.  Welcome back, old friend! (Or should I say, enemy?)  It throws me into a whirlwind of “What ifs?” and “What should I dos?”  And don’t forget the “Shoulds.”  Should I go home early?  Should I go see a doctor here?  Should I have that MRI?  Should I take a pill and if so, which one?  Should I just stay here at the beach house and rest until my plane leaves next Wednesday?  Questions, questions, questions.  They are like the swirling, choppy waves I am looking at today.  Will I be able to withstand their gale force?

I finally went to urgent care here a few days ago. Of course, the doctor could not diagnose me without testing.  Maybe I just feel better knowing that he looked me over.

 I have wrestled with the question of “Should I go home early” now for several days.  Weighed all the pros and cons.  I’ve changed my mind at 10:13 this morning and then again at 11:02 and here I am at noon without an answer.  So, for this moment, I am here.  I march on.  I do the next thing.  I do the laundry, I take a rest, I write this blog and I pray the Surrender Prayer…

“Abandonment in me does not mean being frustrated, becoming anxious and desperate. Offer me your anxious prayer that I may follow you and have your anxiety be a prayer.  Abandonment means to shut the eyes of your soul in peace, moving your thoughts away from your troubles.  And instead of thinking about your worries and pains, let me take over your troubles.  Simply say, ‘Jesus, you take over.’” - Father Dolindo Ruotolo

I don’t know what challenge you are facing today.  Maybe it is a health issue like mine.  But maybe it’s a lost job, trouble with finances or relationship issues.  Whatever it is, remember God is with you and with me.  He did not say we would not have suffering.  Earth is not heaven.  He did say that He would walk through anything and everything with us until we reach our final destination. Heaven awaits us! Until then, we march on, maybe barefoot, on a rocky stone path but we do it with faith, with our Lord and Savior by our side and we pray, “Jesus, You Take Over!”