Saying "YES!" - June 26, 2022

It’s been a crazy few weeks. My simple ordered days are now consumed with uploading loan documents, getting insurance reports, reviewing house inspection reports and consulting with my realtor. It’s been a challenge to calm my mind and my body in the midst of the chaos.

Some of the so-called chaos is actually an exciting and welcome change for me. I feel useful again. I feel the bubbling beginnings of possible happiness. I can’t believe it’s actually happening, that I may own a beach house. On the other hand, I am terrified I may own a beach house. My mind loves the idea but my body says otherwise. My fears are pushing the first stages of joy down like the mallet in the Whack A Mole game. Fear can be crippling and sometimes I sabotage my own happiness by whacking it down, down, down.

We are still in the negotiating stage with the house and the little voice in my head says, “You still have time to pull out.” Sometimes I secretly wish the deal would fall through so I could be relieved of the unrelenting doubt and the negative message that tell me I am too old and too sick to do it. But I know walking through it is better than running away.

The sermon at this morning’s Mass was about responding to God’s call. God speaks to us through others and through situations. How is God calling me and what is He calling me to do? Am I saying, “Yes?” Or is it easier to say no? No doubt it is safer to stay where I am. But God doesn’t always call us to safe places. He asks us to trust Him just as He asked the disciples to when the wind and rain threatened to overtake them that stormy night on their boat.

God is not always calling us to say yes to things like starting a church ministry or going on a mission trip. God calls us to everyday things, some of them just as scary to us as getting on a plane to build homes in Haiti. Starting a new job can be terrifying for some but may bring about a new confidence and the start of new relationships. Having a difficult conversation with a family member can cause anxiety but may pave the way for a more fulfilling connection. For those of us with chronic pain, driving to the grocery store may invoke a sense of panic. Through all of our “Yes”es, God is with us. He has a purpose for every time He calls us to step up and step out.

"When you say YES to things, you embrace the possible." -anonymous

It would be much simpler and safer for me to say, “No” to the purchase of this house. I can convince myself very easily that it is too much for me and that I can’t handle it. It can feel like a wrestling match in my head. But I know God is with me in the wrestling. I see how He is guiding me, soothing me and standing by my side through the struggle. I realize it’s not really about the Beach House. * It’s about God calling me. It’s about Him sticking with me through the fear. And it’s about how He brings me to the “Yes.” “Yes, God, I will fight the fear of the plane flight, and the car ride, and the house cleaning, the repairs and the rentals. I will believe you when you say I can do it. I will believe you when you say you will help me. And I believe you when you say I don’t have to be fearful of the possibility of happiness." A new happiness with my husband by the sea. A new happiness with being near my son. Joy at being at my happy place at the beach that helps me cope. God always provides. It all starts with the “Yes.”

*For background on my health condition, (Central Sensitization Syndrome) see previous post on November 12, 2021, titled, "Three Years Ago Today." In addition to CSS, my diagnoses include Fibromyalgia, Hashimotos Thyroiditis, Severe spinal disk degeneration, bilateral hip replacement complications, small fiber neuropathy, Morton's Neuroma, Burning Mouth and Osteoporosis.

**I realize I am very lucky and extremely blessed to even have the opportunity to own a beach house. I am sincerely grateful it is even a possibility. Unfortunately, chronic pain can cloud even the best blessings like this, sometimes provoking you to just say no to everything. I am learning each day to trust that God’s plan for me, whatever it is, will be fulfilled for my ultimate good.