Unexpected Lives - February 2, 2022

“Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties. This is false hope! As I told my disciples, ‘In the world you will have trouble.’ Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of a problem-free life in heaven.” -Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

Most of us live unexpected lives. We didn’t expect the losses, the grief, or the pain. We didn’t expect the loneliness or the struggle. In my life, I never expected the effects of growing up in an alcoholic home, going through an unwanted eight-year divorce battle or being a single parent. I never could have imagined losing my mother tragically or having a diagnosis of incurable chronic pain, which came with many losses, including the loss of employment. Each time I think I am moving on, another thing taps me on the shoulder as if to say, “No, you’re not done with me yet.” Just when I thought my 90 days at the beach was propelling me to a more pain free life, the pain is back with a vengeance this month, as bad as it’s ever been. Sometimes it feels like it will strangle the life out of me.*

At some point in my journey, I figured out that despite my best efforts to fix things, to prevent things or to cope with things, I truly have no control. The question that constantly plagues me is, “What am I going to do about it?”

I know I feel about as helpless as a runaway train. Another part of me wants to hole up in a one room cabin, close the door and hang out a “Do Not Disturb” sign. While I’m there I’ll eat pizza and a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream and replay my problems in my head over and over. And if I’m being honest, I’ve holed up many times with my pizza and ice cream, just not in a one room cabin. My own home has sufficed. It’s easy to withdraw and erect walls around my personal fortress so no one will get near my scars and I will never be hurt again.

The grace of God has pulled me out of many of these pity parties, sometimes with my kicking and screaming along the way. His love helps me remember to whom I can turn. To the One who understands the sorrow of the world. The sorrow of His closest friends betraying Him and the torturous agony of accepting The Father’s plan for His life. What I am experiencing is a tiny drop of His massive ocean of hurt and almost feels irrelevant. However, I know Jesus does not want us to minimize our pain. He wants us to share it with Him so He can walk through it with us. I used to think I was complaining and would try to force myself to “suck it up” and get on with things. Telling myself I could handle it. But there is an entire book in the bible on complaining. It’s called Lamentations. I came to this great piece of knowledge after reading “The Scars That Have Shaped Me,” by Vaneetha Rendall Risner. What is lamenting? Lamenting is where we feel and express our sorrows, losses, and regrets. Jesus wants us to come to him with our laments, to lay it all out there. It is here, where we are laid bare in all our humanness, that He meets and heals us. This week, God is hearing all my rantings. He knows me better than anyone. He’s listened to all my secrets, my angry tirades, and my many insecurities.

Most certainly I tell you, that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice. You will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy. John 16:20

I am not advocating complaining. I am a big fan of all the “Mayo-isms” I learned at the Clinic – “March before you feel like it,” “You may be special but you’re not unique,” “So what?” and “How’s that working out for you?” These sayings remind me to do everything I can to take charge of my life in positive ways, to change the things I can, realizing that most folks are on the battleground every day, just like me. I know I cannot do this on my own. This is the most important thing I know to be true.

Today I bring to the Lord what is plaguing me, all my past hurts and present troubles. I lay them humbly before Him, knowing He will sit with me through it all (yes, even the gorging of the mint chocolate chip ice cream.) He can turn my sorrow into the joy of fellowship with Him, where I can receive his immense love and mercy. If only I will let Him.

*For background on my health condition, (Central Sensitization Syndrome) see previous post on November 12, 2021, titled, "Three Years Ago Today." In addition to CSS, my diagnoses include Fibromyalgia, Hashimotos Thyroiditis, Severe spinal disk degeneration, bilateral hip replacement complications, small fiber neuropathy, Morton's Neuroma, Burning Mouth and Osteoporosis.